It is said that abusers come in all shapes and sizes. But the fact that they are abusers, means they share many common characteristics.

To the mind of the abuser, nothing of any real importance exists outside of himself or herself and satisfying his or her needs.

“Meaningful others” are no more than “things” to be manipulated, like puppets. Their victims (who may see themselves as partners) can become 'absorbed'. They can become internal, assimilated controllable 'objects' – no longer external independent 'subjects' with thoughts and feelings of their own. But owned possessions.

So, what is an abuser?

It is widely accepted that there are those amongst us who have a deep, dark and sinister (psychological / emotional) predatory need to possess or own others.

By which I do not refer to governments and politicians.

In an attempt to assert their control over us, our would be “owners” will abuse, dominate, deceive, menace, lie, cheat, insult, demean, ignore, bully, intimidate and terrify any of us who have fallen into their 'spiders web' of manipulative deceit. These carefully constructed traps have only one purpose, and that is to physically, psychologically and emotionally entrap or ensnare us.

In this respect abusers ARE dangerous predators, and we - their prey.

The single-minded objective of the abuser is to own and control us for his or her own personal gratification.

This is said to demonstrate that those who would enslave us are unable to recognise that anyone other than he or she has any valid feelings whatsoever.

To a would-be-owner, only his or her feelings are important. Only he or she counts. Only he or she is important. Nothing or no-one else counts or is important.

Because of this total emotional one-sidedness, abusers make totally unreasonable demands on those they strive to own.

Naturally they do not see their demands as being unreasonable or unworkable. This being so, they simply cannot understand that they expect far too much from us.

Expecting far too much; abusers can become quite intimidating and scary when we fail to conform to their impossibly high demands and standards.

Having imposed his or her strict regime's terms or conditions upon us to live by (our unconditional terms of surrender)... The abuser/owner needs to be able to enforce his or her laws, or risk losing the one that he, or she, seeks to own and control.

This 'enforcement' is often accomplished by means of an unpleasantness titled: “OVERT ABUSE.”

Overt meaning open: Overt abuse is the open, undisguised and explicit abuse of any one of us by another. This covers a wide range of cruelty which extends from being humiliated in public. to being hospitalised - or worse.

We experience this type of abuse when we are struck, bitten, menaced, threatened, coerced, beaten, deceived, berated, demeaned, chastened, insulted, humiliated, exploited, ignored (the cold shoulder or silent treatment), devalued, snubbed, unceremoniously discarded, dumped, verbally assaulted, physically assaulted and sexually assaulted (etc.) by our owner/abuser.

The end of the World scenario.

The end-of-the-world scenario occurs for abusers

when he or she suspects that he or she is losing control over us. The effect of this has been likened to someone losing control of a limb, or more terrifying still, losing control of one’s mind.

The situation is that as long as the abuser is in control of us, he or she is able to cope, to function and to survive. But, when the abuser's control is slipping away, he or she is no longer able to cope, to function or survive.

This situation is likely to happen when we fail to obey his or her instructions, this may panic the abuser. Alarm bells ring, informing him or her that something is seriously wrong. The abuser's world is in danger of collapse. He or she is no longer in control of his or her world, and anything might happen.

If he or she is not the centre of his or her world, then he or she is lost. The abuser probably feels that he or she is going mad ....

But the bottom line is quite simple and quiet harsh for the ex abuser-  how can one be an abuser without a person to abuse?

WARNING: Some abusers will kill rather than become ex-abusers.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Let me begin by declaring that I for one do not believe that anyone causes their partner to strike, kick, threaten, shame, humiliate or hurt them in any way. That choice is made solely by the perpetrator of that abuse: And yes I do believe it is a conscious choice that the abuser has taken – to abuse.

That said: Although I don't believe one partner causes another partner to be abusive; I do believe the partner who is being abused does play a huge role in the continuation of that abuse.

When individuals are being abused by a loved one and don’t stop it, they, by default, keep it going. In psychological terms, they enable their partner to be abusive. If someone doesn’t stop abuse, then they are allowing it to continue. Abuse cannot go on and on if there’s not a body to abuse.

I realise that there could be countless factors that lead to individuals staying in abusive relationships. I’m also aware that many people choose to stay due to financial reasons, children, love, fear, isolation etc.

Although I realise all of these factors make it difficult to leave, I don’t believe any of them are worth your health and safety. You deserve better.

You have a right and an obligation to your well-being and to be treated well. If you have children, they also have that right. They deserve to have their parents insure this right (and their safety) is protected.

There are a myriad of services, professionals, information and resources available to you if you are in this position. You deserve to use them. Your children deserve you to use them.

The only way you will stop being abused is if YOU stop it. Your partner will not magically wake up one day and decide to not be abusive. Your partner will not change if you say the right things, or cook the right meals, or agree with his/her every word.

Appreciate that your partner would be abusive with anyone he/she happened to be in a relationship with--it’s not about you. You are NOT to blame.

Make the decision to stop the abuse. Stop waiting for your partner to come to his/her senses. The abuse only stops when someone is determined to not be abused. It only stops--when someone stops it.

Making the decision to not be abused may be the hardest decision you ever make. However, remember it is a decision--it is a choice. You can ask for help, leave the relationship, go to a safe house, set limits, and insist on therapy. etc. You don’t have to accept abuse from anyone. You deserve more. Your children deserve more. Begin to act as though you do.

Challenge: If you're in an abusive relationship, begin to take steps to protect yourself. If you're relationship is violent and your physical safety is at risk, call a domestic violence hotline for more information:

Recognising an abusive relationship

Abusive relationships are generally characterised by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

Abuse does not have to be physical.

Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognise, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship.

Abusive relationships are progressive -

Abusive relationships get worse over time. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress. Abusers are generally very needy and controlling; the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends.

Recommended reading for abusive relationships and recovery from them.

A specific relationship is not the source of the abuse -

Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics can create an abusive relationship climate. Ongoing therapy, and a 12 step recovery program for both partners is advised. (AA, NA, SAA, SLAA, etc for the addict and Alanon, COanon etc for the co-dependent partner.)

Abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves.

Many of the attributes of abusers are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Abusers act out of deep seated shame and feelings of inadequacy. They seek to pull their partner down to make themselves feel better.

Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle.

Follow these links if you feel you may be in an abusive relationship: 

If you are in an abusive relationship:

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognise their own dysfunctional behaviour in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behaviour and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but it really is the safest and the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. It really does require partners to work together as a team. Not as a slave owner and slave.

Because it smacks a little of emotional blackmail. I'm not happy about this next bit. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling your abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help, your only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

Flying into a rage

For far too many of us, rage is a reaction to overwhelming feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss. Flying into a rage generates a feeling of power – this offsets uncomfortable feelings of shame and inadequacy. Flying into a rage triggers a neurochemical response that can be addictive.

How we use rage

Screaming and shouting, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smouldering, and anger used to punish others for triggering unresolved overwhelming feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss.

What Healthy Anger looks like:

Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.)

i.e: When you (a behaviour), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________.

Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through.

Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.) Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.

Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships.

Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery. Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them.

Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually. Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger.  

Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.

The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral.  This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)

Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harbouring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

The other side of the argument

When we choose to stay in an abusive relationship we do so are very real and very important to them. However, it is also important to look at both sides of the situation. Some of the reasons may be based on misunderstandings or myths, and some might be based in fear.

If you or someone you know if struggling with wanting to end a relationship but you can’t get past one or more of the reasons for staying, it may help to consider the following statements that give ‘the other side’ of the argument about each of these reasons.

LOVE

Love is blind and can sometimes emotionally attach us to someone who may be unhealthy for us.

Ending your relationship does not mean you will automatically stop loving your partner, but with time your feelings will be less intense as you are able to look at the whole picture. It might help to focus on nurturing your love for yourself and your family or friends. It may seem impossible now, but if you end your relationship, you will someday find another boyfriend or girlfriend to love – and hopefully it will be a healthier love.

HOPE

You are not the cause of the abuse, so nothing you do or change about your behaviour will end the abuse. While abusers will usually promise to change during the honeymoon stage, it is rare for an abuser to change while still in a relationship – usually, the only way to stop the abuse is to end the relationship.

MAKING LIGHT OF THE ABUSE

The fact is there is nothing you can do to make another person hurt you, and no one deserves to be hurt under any circumstances. Everyone is 100% responsible for their own behaviour.

BLAMING YOURSELF

Physical abuse is not about love – it’s about gaining power and control. Even if violence was normal in your upbringing, the fact is that it is NOT a normal part of a healthy, loving relationship.

LINK BETWEEN LOVE AND VIOLENCE

The idea of being happy without your current partner may seem impossible now, but remember that you are a person who deserves to be treated with respect. There are many people out there who don’t abuse!

HOPELESSNESS GENDER ROLES

A healthy relationship is a partnership based on equality, regardless of gender.

EMBARRASSMENT AND SHAME

It is true that some people judge or blame people who are being abused because they are not educated about relationship abuse. You must remember that you are not the one doing something wrong, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Counsellors at domestic violence hotlines and agencies will not judge you, and can help you figure out options you may have.

FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE

There are ways to become more financially independent.

LACK OF SUPPORTIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Your friends and family members may be more willing than you think to help you if you want to end an abusive relationship - but, you may have to develop new supportive relationships.

FEAR

If you have been threatened, it is very important to develop a safety plan.

NOT WANTING TO BE ALONE

Victims have endured a great deal and while the idea of being alone is scary, you can live outside a bad relationship.

LOYALTY

Loyalty must be earned. Someone who is supposed to love you, but abuses you, has betrayed you. No reasonable person should expect loyalty after abusing you.

RESCUE COMPLEX

No amount of help or understanding will change your partner: only they can do that.

GUILT and GUILT TRIPS

One of the most common weapons in the abuser’s ‘armoury’ is the guilt-trip. Abusers frequently use guilt trips as an unscrupulous method of manipulating and controlling us.

Your partner is responsible for his or her own actions; you are only responsible for yourself.
 

If you use drugs or alcohol to cope with abuse, it is important to get treatment for this problem so you can make healthier decisions

Abusive relationships are generally characterised by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games.

Abuse does not have to be physical.

Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognise, and therefore to recover from.  Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers.  Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship.

Abusive relationships are progressive -

Abusive relationships get worse over time.  Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress.  Abusers are generally very needy and controlling; the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends. 

Recommended reading for abusive relationships and recovery from them. 

A specific relationship is not the source of the abuse -

Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics can create an abusive relationship climate.   Ongoing therapy, and a 12 step recovery  program for both partners is advised. (AA, NA, SAA, SLAA, etc for the addict and Alanon, COanon etc for the co-dependent partner.)

Abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves. 

Many of the attributes of abusers are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Abusers act out of deep seated shame and feelings of inadequacy. They seek to pull their partner down to make themselves feel better. 

Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side.  The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle. 

Follow these links if you feel you may be in an abusive relationship: 

	Warning signs of abusive relationships.
	Here's what healthy and abusive relationships look like.
	Personality Traits (of both parties) in Abusive Relationships.
	Mental and emotional tactics of abusers.
	What's the difference between Rage and Anger?

If you are in an abusive relationship:

Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships.

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behaviour and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters  their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself.  Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues.  

Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side.  Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

Flying into a rage

For far too many of us, rage is a reaction to overwhelming feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss. Flying into a rage generates a feeling of power – this offsets uncomfortable feelings of shame and inadequacy. Flying into a rage triggers a neurochemical response that can be addictive.
How rage is used  

Screaming and shouting, physical expressions of anger, violence or threats of violence, sulking, manipulation, emotional blackmail, silent smouldering, and anger used to punish others for triggering unresolved overwhelming feelings of fear, sadness, shame, inadequacy, guilt or loss. 

What Healthy Anger looks like:

Healthy expression of anger involves confrontation of what makes you angry and an effort to set boundaries. (What you will do in response to what makes you angry.)   

i.e: When you (a behaviour), I feel (a feeling) , and to protect myself I will _________.  

Healthy anger is not used to punish, is not violent, and isn't used to intimidate, control or manipulate. It is expressed, discussed, and moved through.

Healthy anger is not stuffed down and ignored. (Stuffed anger created resentment and a wealth of physical / mental and emotional problems.)   Healthy anger is not expressed in passive aggressive and manipulative ways.

Unhealthy Anger is component of Alcoholism, Addictions and Abusive Relationships.

Anger management is critical to recovery from addictions and trauma, childhood sexual mental or physical abuse, and relationship recovery.  Addictions are in part a coping mechanism to deal with feelings by masking them.

Alcoholics and Addicts often "use at" the source of their anger. (i.e.: I'm angry at ______ so I'll have a drink, take a drug, or act out sexually.  Obviously this is a highly self destructive response to anger.  

Unexpressed anger related to childhood abuses often results in addictive problems later in life. (To stuff down the feelings of shame, anger, isolation, fear, sadness and loss the abuse creates.) Very often chronic relapsers in recovery programs, or chronic addicts are survivors of childhood abuse.

The sad irony is that by pushing feelings down alcohol and drugs make it impossible to work through our feelings and move past them, keeping the survivor trapped in a downward spiral.  This is part of why even moderate drug or alcohol use in non addicts severely compromises their progress in therapy. (If you are stuffing down your feelings how can you work on them?)

Regarding anger, the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says:

"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harbouring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.

If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."

The other side of the argument

When we choose to stay in an abusive relationship we do so are very real and very important to them. However, it is also important to look at both sides of the situation. Some of the reasons may be based on misunderstandings or myths, and some might be based in fear.

If you or someone you know if struggling with wanting to end a relationship but you can’t get past one or more of the reasons for staying, it may help to consider the following statements that give ‘the other side’ of the argument about each of these reasons.