The Bottom Line

We know we are in an abusive relationship when..
Men can also be victims
Types of abuse
The Abuser
Support network
Abuse doesn't have to be Violent
The Bottom Line
Tell someone about it.
EXIT: Time to escape

Life, for countless millions of us in today’s world, is rendered almost unlivable by a certain type of maltreatment called abuse.

The destructive effect that 'abuse' has upon us is almost always life-ruining or traumatic. Abuse can enslave any of us, from the very youngest of us – to the very oldest.  

The emotional/psychological damage caused by abuse frequently predisposes us to intense emotional distress, mental illness, self-harm and suicide.

Abuse  itself comes in many different forms...
  • Domestic violence or non-violent domestic abuse.
  • Sexual violence or non-violent sexual abuse.
  • Psychological violence.
  • Physical violence.
  • Emotional violence.
  • Verbal violence or any other form of unsolicited violence or bullying.

 ....all of them unacceptable. 

Abuse is violent  - and abuse is unacceptable.

Men are Victims too: Click Here

We do not have to accept the unacceptable

The Bottom Line

All forms of human abuse are based upon the simple "use" or exploitation of one of us by another. Those of us being abused, are being abused simply because it satisfies, stimulates and pleasures our abusers need to do so. The bottom line appears to be that the pain suffered by the abused stimulates the abuser.


To abuse us in this way - is to control us.


  • This 'control' empowers and stimulates those who control us -our abusers.
  • To maintain stimulation - he or she - needs to maintain strict control.
  • To raise his or her level of stimulation - he or she - needs to intensify his or her control.
  • The more intense his or her level of control over us; the more intense - his or her -  level of pleasure / stimulation experienced

Alarmingly, anything that stimulates us as human beings can be addictive to us.

  • Abuser are addicted to the feelings they experience through ownership of another.
  • To maintain stimulation, the abuser needs to maintain control over the source of his or her stimulation = US.
  • The abusers greatest fear is that by losing ‘us’, he or she, will lose his or her source of pleasure / stimulation.
  • Being. addicted to their stimulation they realise that by losing us they would lose everything, and become nothing.


To prevent this from ever happening, control needs to be replaced by ownership and the 'controller' becomes the 'owner'.


To make ownership complete, our abuser's needs to strip us of anything that threatens his or her control over us - our identities. 


Primarily, our identities as individuals.


This stripping away of our individuality leaves us easy to control.  No longer individuals with personalities in our own right, but now mere objects whose sole purpose in life is to satisfy our owners whims.


The whims of those who now 'own' us. The whims of those who control our lives. The whims of those who deny us the right to be who we are. The whims of those whose need for stimulation enslaves us and traps us in an emotional prison of fear and dread.


The duty of the slave is to obey the slave owner.

According to expert opinion, abuse can be divided into two very distinct camps: Overt and Covert.


Overt Abuse



Covert Abuse


Covert meaning closed: Covert abuse is motivated almost entirely about control and the need to establish it.


Expert opinion maintains that covert abuse is often a "primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his or her childhood) was rendered helpless"


So what is helpless ?


Helpless: A definition

Helpless is being unable to help oneself. Being weak and dependent upon others. Being deprived of strength or power. Being powerless. Incapacitated. Unable to help oneself. Powerless or incompetent. Lacking support or protection. Needing the help of other people. Being unable to do anything for oneself. Being unable to function without help. Unable to manage independently. Being lacking in, or deprived of strength or power.


Being unable to do anything for oneself and needing the help of others to function certainly explains why those of us that abuse feel the need to control, possess or own someone who will never make them feel helpless ever again.


Experts tell us that the overwhelming body of 'abusive behaviours' can be traced back to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control and the terrifying consequence of returning to a state of helplessness.


Many of us who abuse others are reported to be hypochondriacs and difficult patients. This is because having already suffered from helplessness we are frightened of losing control over our body, its looks and its proper functioning again.


Abusers  are also said to be obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable.


Abusers stalk others and harass them as a means of "being in touch" – another form of control.



This being so,  losing control over a significant other – is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.


Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realisation that something is wrong with his or herworldview, that he or she is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he or she cannot control what, to him or her, are internal representations.


To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind – being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his or her mind).


Imagine, how it would be if we were suddenly to discover that we could no longer manipulate our own memories or control our own thoughts... Nightmarish!