Time to Escape

Too many abusers are capable of unbelievable acts of violence right up to (and including) murder. If any of us find ourselves being controlled by such a person (one who is being physically violent to us) and we are living in fear of him or her, then we owe it to ourselves to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible. 

Of course this is far easier said than done: But the truth of the matter is that people are escaping from abusive relationships all the time.

Having said that: To be successful in making a break, running away shouldn’t be done as a knee jerk reaction. Unless of course it is an emergency, in which case run straight to the police. Otherwise escape will require careful planning to be a success. 

Plan your escape

To escape from someone who is dominating and ruining every aspect of our lives is no casual decision. It is a very courageous life-changing (possibly even life-saving) decision, and one which will need to be very carefully thought out. Whatever happens do not let the abuser suspect for one moment that you are planning to escape. This point cannot be stressed too much, nor too often. 

Do your research well, escaping from any type of abuse is an extremely serious one-off event. We should assume that we will probably never get a second chance to escape so we need to get it right first time.

It goes without saying that before leaving it is vital to know exactly where we are going to go. Family and friends are often our first thoughts, but these will probably also be the first thoughts of our abuser when he or she comes looking for us.

With this in mind, we should take the time to look at other alternatives.

This is where research is invaluable. It is a surprise to learn exactly what help and what agencies are out there for us. What help they can provide, and who we need to speak with.

A word of warning

Your research is vital. Be thorough, but be careful. Remember, that itemised telephone billing could reveal who you are calling, so please use a public telephone.

Computers can reveal which sites have been visited and researched etc. Do not leave a written plan, notes or phone numbers lying where they can be found by suspicious eyes.Do not take unneccessary chances when your safety is at risk.

Involve others 

In terms of friends, neighbours and acquaintences be wary of what you say. There are many agencies out there who will be happy to help you every step of the way. Let them help and guide you. Share the risk and double your safety. Devise a plan involving one or more of these agencies. The most obvious one being the police of course.

Having established contact with supportive agencies, set up a careful plan together to escape from the abuser. Whoever, your plan involves, ask them to help you to plan for your safe escape. Leave no notes and let them know when you are ready to leave. Arrange a timetable with them. If it is possible try to involve them at every stage of your escape.

Leave nothing to return for

Remember that you are not just planning to escape. You are on the threshold of starting a new life. A NEW LIFE. Think of all of the things that you will need for your new life…

Those who have already escaped recommend us to include the following: Cash. Bank cards, credit cards, cheque books. School records for your children. All important documents—birth certificates for you and your children, passport, immigration papers (where applicable) driver's licence, health insurance card, immunisation records, mortgage, phone numbers and anything else you can think of.

If you can't take the originals, make copies. house deeds. Address book. (photographs, keepsakes)  Medications, copies of your prescriptions, multiple pairs of glasses. Several changes of clothing. Extra items for child or infant care. Personal and children’s own special items/toys etc. Try to leave nothing that you would have to go back for.

Sources of help

A major priority is accommodation.

If you need to leave an abusive relationship but have nowhere safe to go, then a period of refuge – in a refuge - could be the answer.  Importantly, a refuge is a safe house for women and children. A major part of being a safe house is that its location is kept a secret. This secrecy is important as it makes it extremely difficult to be traced by those who are not prepared to let us go. Or who intend us harm us for 'abandoning' them.

The safe house is more than just a hollow building in which to hide. Refuges tend to be small supportive types of communities. A bit like an extended family with other women and children who are also escaping from abuse.

Refuges are ran by concerned and supportive staff who are fully experienced with issues of abuse. So you will not be alone, nor will you be surrounded by others who do not know what you are going through. Within a refuge you will be with those that are able to give you personal support: and help support and meet the needs of the children too.

Obviously not all refuges are the same, but they do offer a real alternative to being terrorised within an abusive relationship.

To find out more about refuges and how to access them please contact the 24 hour freephone help-line on 0808 800 0340.

Before doing anything, seek advice

Shelter isn't an housing agency so it cannot house you, but Shelter is an independent organisation that might be able to find somewhere for you to stay in an emergency.

Shelter is a reliable signposting service to those of us with housing difficulties and gives good advice.    Tel: 0808 800 4444 http://www.shelter.org.uk/

Women's Aid's avowed aim is to bring an end to domestic violence against women and children. 

The organisation maintains over 400 refuges, helplines, outreach services and advice centres.

WOMEN'S AID (24 hr helpline) 08457 023 468
Women's Aid in .......
Northern Ireland (24 hr Helpline) 028 9033 1818
Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800 027 1234
Republic of Ireland (24 hr Helpline) 1800 341900
www.womensaid.org.uk

Refuge is a UK Domestic Violence Charity with a  24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline:   0870-599-5443 

Councils and Housing Associations

We can also contact our local councils or housing associations for information on emergency housing. Local authorities will do all they can to help and a number of housing associations operate their own women’s refuges which form part of a network of such refuges.

This network is extremely useful as it means that we can be referred to another refuge out of the local area. Moving from an area in which we live under the shadow of danger (to another area free from danger) gives us a brand new start and certainly makes a lot of sense.

Counselling and Support

Many refuges offer counselling or can signpost families towards counsellors and therapists.  

Finding a counsellor in the UK couldn't be easier: The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy is the obvious source of information including a search facility to locate counsellors anywhere in the UK.

http://www.bacp.co.uk/

Perhaps the easiest way to find a counsellor is simply by looking in the Yellow Pages, or simply ask your GP for a referral to see a counsellor. It has been pointed out that NHS referrals frequently involve increasingly lengthy waiting lists. Naturally we could go private but this will involve some cost.

The Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling service (RASAC) offers free and confidential support to women and men who have been raped or sexually abused either as adults or as children. 

http://rasac.org.uk/ 

Support for children who have experienced domestic violence:

Kidscape This is a voluntary agency whose aim is to promote children’s safety, prevent child abuse and bullying Tel 020 7730 3300 http://www.kidscape.org.uk/  

Lifeline - Help for Victims of Violence in the Home, Sexual Abuse and Incest This is a voluntary agency offering support and advice for families experiencing domestic violence and abuse in the home.

Tel 01262 469 085 

NSPCC  A national charity which aims to prevent child abuse and neglect Tel 0800 800 500 (24-hour child protection helpline) http://www.nspcc.org.uk/html/home/needadvice/domesticviolence.htm  

Useful information:

National Association of Citizens Advice Bureaux This is a voluntary agency offering free and confidential advice within the local community. To find your local Citizens Advice Bureau call: Tel 020 7833 2181  Or for online advice and information go to: www.adviceguide.org.uk 

The Samaritans  This is a voluntary agency offering 24 hour support for people feeling depressed, isolated, or in despair. Their national telephone helpline is: Tel 08457 909090 http://www.samaritans.org.uk/

VOICE UK This is a telephone helpline for people with learning disabilities who have experienced crime or abuse Tel 01332 202 555  http://www.voiceuk.clara.net/

BT advice line For advice on how to deal with malicious telephone calls try the BT malicious calls helpline on: Tel 0800 666700 Or the nuisance call advisory bureau on: 0800 661441

For support and advice about drug abuse in children and adults try: http://www.talktofrank.com/gettinghelp/

Please be careful and stay safe.

Exit plan and support network

The Exit (Safety) Plan

The highest risk for serious injury or death to a battered woman is when she is leaving or when she has left her violent partner.

A lot of women stay in an abusive relationship due to financial dependency, threats from the abuser, and the lack of a support system. When the victim leaves they are faced with financial issues, poor criminal justice response, fear for their lives, and their children's safety.

With this in mind, it is of the utmost importance to have a safety plan. A safety plan is the best kind of management towards a healthy escape and a successful future.

SAFETY PLAN FOR LEAVING/QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:

*Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 800-787-3224 *If there is an emergency dial 911.

1. The very first thing to do is try to put things in your name: the lease to your rented home, savings account, and anything else you could think of. This will give you the power to throw the abuser out of your house. The more things that are in your name, the more power you have.

2. Start planning now. It is never too early to plan your escape. Be prepared and don't waste any time. Get a job, if you can. Look in the paper to see what the rent is going for in your area. Check into the legal system. Find out about restraining orders and child custody/support. Know the facts. Knowledge is power.

3. Open a personal savings account in your name. Save some money, if you can. Keep your savings book at a friend's house or in a bank safe deposit box.

4. Get a bank safe deposit box. Put all your personal papers and documents in the box. (Make copies of the documents and put the originals back in your files at home.)

5. Get a Post Office Box. (Avoid using a private mailbox provider. By law, these providers must obtain your physical address: this information could help the abuser find the victim.)

6. Depending on the type of job you have, hide your money. The restaurant business is so easy to hide money as waitresses receive cash for tips. Don't tell your partner exactly how much you make.

7. Sell some of your things, if you can. Spring clean or Fall clean your house. This is a great way to make fast cash. Baby-sit for a friend. Again, don't tell your partner exactly how much you made.

8. When you have a safe plan to leave, where would be the safest place to hide keys and your purse?

9. Tell someone you're leaving, like the police department. This is to let someone aware of what is going on at the time of your escape.

10. When is the best time to leave? While the abuser is at work? Sleeping?

11. Where should the kids be the day you leave? School? Friend's house? How would you pick them up?

12. Don't always tell the abuser where your friends live. Don't reveal so much information about things in your life.

13. Research battered shelters in your area. Where are they? How can they help you and your children? What do you need to bring to the shelter? How long can you stay? What do you have to do to get there?

Safety plans differ depending on the person and their situation. Some victims are dealing with physical abuse and life threats. Some have family and friends nearby while others live miles away from their loved ones. There is help out there, you must reach out. People do care.

Support Services

A lot of people who are abused feel alone. They believe that people don't understand what it is they are going through and they end up not having the energy to seek help.

Family and friends may tend to say, "we all have problems," or "go to a marriage counselor," and the classic, "why don't you just leave?" Unless someone is or was a victim of domestic violence, this epidemic is not easy to understand. If you never experienced it yourself, you truly don't have a clue.

But there is help out there. We must find the sources and reach out. People do care and organizations are there to help.

1. Find a local battered shelter in your area. You could call your Chamber of Commerce in your area. The newspapers always have information about shelters. You could also call The National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They can provide help and referrals to local programs.

2. Call your local Department of Social Services. They are easily found in the phone book. They will help with financial assistance, food stamps, child protective services, adult protective services, and Medicaid. For more information about the Food Stamp Program go to http://www.fns.usda.gov/fsp/.

3. Call the American Bar Association at (202) 662-1737 or visit their website at http://www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html. Their website offers information in training materials, legal briefs, and sample legal forms relevant to domestic violence legal issues and proceedings.

4. Surf the web. There are endless websites available for victims of domestic violence. Some of the websites provided offer great sources for practically every state. Below is a list to start with:

Lesson 3: Making The Break For Good

Are you ready to make your dreams come true? Do you have goals that you would like to achieve? Is there a hobby that you would love to turn into a moneymaking business? If so, this lesson will help you identify your dreams and goals. Make that wish and jump into this lesson.

Introduction

This lesson will help the student to stop the cycle of abuse by identifying their dreams and goals, researching about college education, and learn about financial independence.

Exercise:

This lesson offers fun questions for the student. It will help the student to focus on their dreams and goals and be honest with what it is they truly want in their lives.

Discussion:

Please post questions and concerns at http://www.suite101.com/course.cfm/17694... Teresa Brouwer will always be available for assistance and help.