We know we are in an abusive relationship when we have to change the way we behave, act, think, believe, speak,
worship, dress, or look because we fear what our abuser will do to us.
It is the
fear of being subjected to our abuser’s preferred method of punishing us for failing to keep (or make) him or her happy.
This 'punishment' usually consists of us suffering some form of pain – this can be physical, mental or emotional hurt.
Or possibly even all three.
However, in the mind of the abuser our punishment is right and fitting. It is justified (he or
she HAD to ‘punish us’ for our own good) so our punishment is also self-inflicted. We have done it to ourselves.
Our punishment is OUR fault. We gave our abuser no choice
in the matter. Whenever he or she punishes us it is (and will always be) OUR fault.
Abusers (like
slave owners) are skilled at gaining and maintaining control over us through manipulation and fear. Their “ownership”
of us can completely undermine us as individuals. Who we are, the way we live, the way we view ourselves and our values all
must change to satisfy our abusers. We become a mere extension of our abusers.
As a direct result
of being owned and manipulated we begin to accept that when we do not 'obey' - we are in the wrong and are likely to be punished.
So we very quickly learn that the fault lies in us. Once we begin to accept that whatever happens - it's our fault. We adapt our behaviour so as to avoid being
punished by the abuser – who is now our “owner”. Telling us what to do. What to say. What to think and so
on.
Without fully realising what is happening
to us, we have surrendered ourselves to our abuser's will. It has been noted that: “being abused disables our judgement
and prevents us from recognising the true danger of our situation.” This unfortunately is very true indeed.
The fact is that
we really are in a potentially very dangerous place; and could end up seriously injured, hospitalised or even dead .
This is no over dramatisation. Far too many victims have been murdered by their abusers, in much the same way (and
for much the same reason) that slave owners would “justifiably” kill their slaves.
I am assured that if we can “relate” to
the above, then we are more than likely being abused or trapped inside an abusive relationship.
Regardless of whatever the abuser says. No matter
how he or she excuses his or her punishment or maltreatment of us. We need to understand that we really ARE in a potentially
very dangerous place. We are also warned to beware of our abuser's promises that his or her abuse will never ever happen again.
No matter how heartfelt those assurances may sound.
Apparently it is quite common for abusers to claim
that they are simply being over protective because of his or her love for us. Let's be honest, this really sounds a positive
thing. But what it really means is that he or she is over possessive. Not protective - possessive.
Even this 'concept' is worrying. As human beings we
can and do become possessive over things. We regard objects as “things” to be owned or possessed. We collect “things”
and turn them into collections. So, when abusers speak of being (protective) they are speaking of being protective of “their
property.” Their possession. Again the relationship between the slave and the slave-owner comes to mind. It suggests
that (in the mind of our abusers), he or she believes that we really are his or her personal possession or property. In other
words: “We are owned by them”
Being a possession of a person who owns us has nothing
to do with a loving affectionate and caring relationship. But it does have everything to do with the enslavement and ownership
of one person by another.
Emotional/Psychological Harm
From Abuse
It is truly disturbing
just how much damage can be caused by emotional and physical abuse. It has been noted that: “Abusers dig at the core
of our souls until we are numb. Our spirits become wounded and we are left with harmful symptoms that may ruin us forever”
A list of these “harmful
symptoms” include the following...
Depression
Low self-confidence
Low self-esteem
Headaches
Anxiety attacks
Loss of control
Numbing - Physiologically
and emotionally
Feelings of helplessness
Fatigue
Chronic Illness
Stressed
Guilt
Fear - for one's life
and financial outcome if one were to leave.
Anger
Feelings of isolation
Loneliness
Agoraphobia
Weight Loss
Weight Gain
Nightmares
Negative Attitude - due
from the abuse.
Argumentative - on the
defence from depression.
Defensive
Sleep Disturbances
Hard to trust others
Emotional Problems
Withdrawal from family
and friends
Stomach Pains
Nervousness
Nausea
Muscle Tension
Humiliation - from the
life that is lead with the abuser.
Shock and Disbelief -
when the abuse occurs.
Misery - feeling that
you are living in misery.
Please do not despair
There is a great deal
of real help out there. A lot of counsellors are available in our local yellow pages. Please talk to your medical practitioner
or anyone you know you can trust. This can be friends, co-workers as well as other family members you know you CAN
trust.
