male victims

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Men can also be victims
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EXIT: Time to escape

There is great societal denial of the fact that men get sexually assaulted. The chances are that most of us don't ever hear about the topic of male sexual assault. The need to deny the existence of male sexual assault is partly rooted in the mistaken belief that men are immune to being victimized, that they should be able to fight off any attacker if they are truly a "real man." A closely related belief is that men can't be forced into sex - either they want it or they don't. These mistaken beliefs allow lots of men to feel safe and invulnerable, and to think of sexual assault as something that only happens to women.

Unfortunately, these beliefs can also increase the pain that is felt by a male survivor of sexual assault. These beliefs leave the male survivor feeling isolated, ashamed, and "less of a man." No wonder so few men actually get help after being sexually assaulted. The fact is that only 5 to 20% of all victims of sexual assault actually report the crime-- the percentage for male victims is even lower. Feelings of shame, confusion and self-blame leave many men suffering in silence after being sexually assaulted.

Below are some of the unique problems and concerns that male survivors may experience:

For most men the idea of being a victim is very hard to handle. We're raised to believe that a man should be able to defend himself against all odds, or that he should be willing to risk his life or severe injury to protect his pride and self-respect. How many movies or TV shows have you seen in which the "manly" hero is prepared to fight a group of huge guys over an insult or name-calling? Surely, you're supposed to fight to the death over something like unwanted sexual advances...right? These beliefs about "manliness" and "masculinity" are deeply ingrained in most of us and can lead to intense feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy for the male survivor of sexual assault.

Many male survivors may even question whether they deserved or somehow wanted to be sexually assaulted because, in their minds, they failed to defend themselves. Male survivors frequently see their assault as a loss of manhood and get disgusted with themselves for not "fighting back." These feelings are normal but the thoughts attached to them aren't necessarily true. Remind yourself that you did what seemed best at the time to survive - there's nothing unmasculine about that.

As a result of their guilt, shame and anger some men punish themselves by getting into self-destructive behavior after being sexually assaulted. For lots of men, this means increased alcohol or drug use. For others, it means increased aggressiveness, like arguing with friends or co-workers or even picking fights with strangers. Many men pull back from relationships and wind up feeling more and more isolated. It's easy to see why male survivors of sexual assault are at increased risk for getting depressed, getting into trouble at work, getting physically hurt, or developing alcohol and drug problems.

Many male survivors also develop sexual difficulties after being sexually assaulted. It may be difficult to resume sexual relationships or start new ones because sexual contact may trigger flashbacks, memories of the assault, or just plain bad feelings. It can take time to get back to normal so don't pressure yourself to be sexual before you're ready.

For heterosexual men, sexual assault almost always causes some confusion or questioning about their sexuality. Since many people believe that only gay men are sexually assaulted, a heterosexual survivor may begin to believe that he must be gay or that he will become gay. Furthermore, perpetrators often accuse their victims of enjoying the sexual assault, leading some survivors to question their own experiences. In fact, being sexually assaulted has nothing to do with sexual orientation, past, present or future. People do not "become gay" as a result of being sexually assaulted.

For gay men, sexual assault can lead to feelings of self-blame and self-loathing attached to their sexuality. There is already enough homophobic sentiment in society to make many gay men suffer from internal conflicts about their sexuality. Being sexually assaulted may lead a gay man to believe he somehow "deserved it," that he was "paying the price" for his sexual orientation. Unfortunately, this self-blame can be reinforced by the ignorance or intolerance of others who blame the victim by suggesting that a gay victim somehow provoked the assault or was less harmed by it because he was gay. Gay men may also hesitate to report a sexual assault due to fears of blame, disbelief or intolerance by police or medical personnel. As a result gay men may be deprived of legal protections and necessary medical care following an assault.

Some sexual assaults of men are actually forms of gay-bashing, motivated by fear and hatred of homosexuality. In these cases, perpetrators may verbally abuse their victims and imply that the victim deserved to be sexually assaulted. It's important to remember that sexual assault is an act of violence, power and control and that no one deserves it .

No-one deserves to be raped.
No survivor deserves the blame.

0808 808 4321

Every thursday evening 8pm to 10pm
or email support@male-rape.org.uk

When the penny finally drops and the truth forces us to recognise that

we are not the “other half” of a loving (but troubled) relationship but

“the Victim” in an abusive relationship; it can feel like the bottom has

fallen out of your world and a sense of disbelief takes over our every

conscious thought.


This stunned disbelief is just the beginning. The emotional aftermath

of such an dreadful and unwelcome recognition often unleashes a flood

of strong, confusing and often conflicting thoughts and emotions: Horror,

outrage, anger, denial, self-pity, fear, betrayal, uselessness, self-reproach,

unworthiness, misery, self blame and so on.


Finding ourselves in this un-envious situation, the obvious question is:

“what do we do about it?” Well, first of all, we need to find out exactly

what we can we do about it. We can ask the abuser to stop abusing us,

this approach as an extremely poor success rate and can make matters



Accepting the abuse: Evidence suggests that that abusive relationships

do not suddenly stop being abusive. The abuse will not go away, by itself

-          nor is it likely to get “better” – if anything the opposite is true and it is

likely to go from bad to worse.  This being so (unless you are prepared

to endure the real probability of ever intensifying levels of abuse); doing

nothing and meekly accepting abuse in the hope that things will improve,

is a very dangerous gamble.


If it is impossible to separate the abuse from the relationship and it is

impossible to live with the abuse, then it is time to separate yourself

from that relationship. This could be your only real option. But how best

to go about it?  We could try asking.


Despite the fact that telephone help-line services are confidential; it can

be quite scary to tell someone of our most intimate secrets. Especially when

we know what could happen if our abuser were to find out. We really do need

to share what is happening with someone who truly understands. A telephone

help-line is ideal


However, if worried…


1.    Use a public telephone to call a help-line

2.    Use a made up name to introduce yourself

3.    Explain everything by saying that you are actually ringing

     on behalf of a very close friend or relative


This will help you to establish contact without feeling that you are exposing

yourself to danger. It will also give you the chance to get things “off of your

chest”; and talk with a non-judgemental listener who actually wants to listen to

what you have to say.

Help-line listeners will not tell you what to do. But they can (and will) help you

 if (and when) you decide that you want their help to escape from abuse and

 build a new life away from your abuser. (What they will give you is unconditional emotional support; and that’s priceless).


Having broken the ice by chatting and sharing with them, you will feel easier

about calling them on future occasions when their support is most needed.


If you do eventually decide that you want to leave your abuser, help-line

listeners are best placed to provide specialist information on every aspect of

everything to do to succeed. They will explain your options, the things to do,

what not to do and which agencies to turn to..


Moreover, through their specialist knowledge they are also able to give you

essential help and guidance regarding your legal rights concerning your children, money,  housing etc.  


Speak with an help-line and see how it can help you

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