When the penny finally drops and the truth forces us to recognise that
we are not the “other half” of a loving (but troubled) relationship but
“the Victim” in an abusive relationship; it can feel like the bottom has
fallen out of your world and a sense of disbelief takes over our every
conscious thought.
This stunned disbelief is just the beginning. The emotional aftermath
of such an dreadful and unwelcome recognition often unleashes a flood
of strong, confusing and often conflicting thoughts and emotions: Horror,
outrage, anger, denial, self-pity, fear, betrayal, uselessness, self-reproach,
unworthiness, misery, self blame and so on.
Finding ourselves in this un-envious situation, the obvious question is:
“what do we do about it?” Well, first of all, we need to find out exactly
what we can we do about it. We can ask the abuser to stop abusing us,
this approach as an extremely poor success rate and can make matters
worse.
Accepting the abuse: Evidence suggests that that abusive relationships
do not suddenly stop being abusive. The abuse will not go away, by itself
- nor is it likely to get “better”
– if anything the opposite is true and it is
likely to go from bad to worse. This being
so (unless you are prepared
to endure the real probability of ever intensifying levels of abuse); doing
nothing and meekly accepting abuse in the hope that things will improve,
is a very dangerous gamble.
If it is impossible to separate the abuse from the relationship and it is
impossible to live with the abuse, then it is time to separate yourself
from that relationship. This could be your only real option. But how best
to go about it? We could try asking.
Despite the fact that telephone help-line
services are confidential; it can
be quite scary to tell someone of our most
intimate secrets. Especially when
we know what could happen if our abuser
were to find out. We really do need
to share what is happening with someone
who truly understands. A telephone
help-line is ideal
However, if worried…
1. Use a public telephone to call a help-line
2. Use a made up name to introduce yourself
3. Explain everything by saying that you are actually ringing
on behalf of a very close friend or relative
This will help you to establish contact
without feeling that you are exposing
yourself to danger. It will also give you
the chance to get things “off of your
chest”; and talk with a non-judgemental
listener who actually wants to listen to
what you have to say.
Help-line listeners will not tell you what
to do. But they can (and will) help you
if
(and when) you decide that you want their help to escape from abuse and
build
a new life away from your abuser. (What they will give you is unconditional emotional support; and that’s priceless).
Having broken the ice by chatting and sharing
with them, you will feel easier
about calling them on future occasions
when their support is most needed.
If you do eventually decide that you want
to leave your abuser, help-line
listeners are best placed to provide specialist
information on every aspect of
everything to do to succeed. They will
explain your options, the things to do,
what not to do and which agencies to turn
to..
Moreover, through their specialist knowledge
they are also able to give you
essential help and guidance regarding
your legal rights concerning your children, money, housing etc.
Speak with an help-line and see how it can help you
