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Time to
Escape
Too many abusers are capable of unbelievable
acts of violence right up to (and including) murder. If any of us find ourselves being controlled by such a person (one who
is being physically violent to us) and we are living in fear of him or her, then we owe it to ourselves to get out of that
relationship as quickly as possible.
Of course this is far easier said than done:
But the truth of the matter is that people are escaping from abusive relationships all the time.
Having said that: To be successful in making
a break, running away shouldn’t be done as a knee jerk reaction. Unless of course it is an emergency, in which case
run straight to the police. Otherwise escape will require careful planning to be a success.
Plan your escape
To escape from someone who is
dominating and ruining every aspect of our lives is no casual decision. It is a very courageous life-changing (possibly even
life-saving) decision, and one which will need to be very carefully thought out. Whatever happens do not let the abuser
suspect for one moment that you are planning to escape. This point cannot be stressed too much, nor too often.
Do your research
well, escaping from any type of abuse is an extremely serious one-off event. We should assume that we will probably never get a second chance to escape so we need
to get it right first time.
It goes without saying that before leaving it
is vital to know exactly where we are going to go. Family and friends are often our first thoughts, but these will probably also
be the first thoughts of our abuser when he or she comes looking for us.
With this in mind, we should take the time to
look at other alternatives.
This is where research is invaluable. It is a
surprise to learn exactly what help and what agencies are out there for us. What help they can provide, and who we need to
speak with.
A word of warning
Your research is vital. Be thorough,
but be careful. Remember, that itemised telephone billing could reveal who you are calling, so please use a public telephone.
Computers can reveal which sites
have been visited and researched etc. Do not leave a written plan, notes or phone numbers lying where they can be found by suspicious
eyes.Do not take unneccessary chances when your safety is at risk.

Involve others
In terms of friends, neighbours and acquaintences be wary of what you say. There are many agencies out there who will
be happy to help you every step of the way. Let them help and guide you. Share the risk and double your safety. Devise a plan
involving one or more of these agencies. The most obvious one being the police of course.
Having established contact with supportive agencies, set up a careful plan together to escape from the abuser.
Whoever, your plan involves, ask them to help you to plan for your safe escape. Leave no notes and let them know when you are ready to
leave. Arrange a timetable with them. If it is possible try to involve them at every stage of your escape. 
Leave nothing to return for
Remember that you
are not just planning to escape. You are on the threshold of starting a new life. A NEW LIFE. Think of all of the things that
you will need for your new life…
Those who have already escaped recommend
us to include the following: Cash. Bank cards, credit cards, cheque books. School records for your children. All important documents—birth certificates for you and your children,
passport, immigration papers (where applicable) driver's licence, health insurance card, immunisation records, mortgage, phone numbers and anything else you can think of.
If you can't take the originals, make copies. house deeds. Address book. (photographs, keepsakes) Medications, copies of your prescriptions, multiple pairs of glasses. Several changes of clothing.
Extra items for child or infant care. Personal and children’s own special items/toys etc. Try to leave nothing that
you would have to go back for. 
Sources of help
A major priority is accommodation.
If you need to leave an abusive relationship but have nowhere safe to go, then
a period of refuge – in a refuge - could be the answer. Importantly, a refuge is a safe house for women and children. A
major part of being a safe house is that its location is kept a secret. This secrecy is important as it makes it extremely
difficult to be traced by those who are not prepared to let us go. Or who intend us harm us for 'abandoning' them.
The safe house is more than just a hollow building in which to hide. Refuges tend
to be small supportive types of communities. A bit like an extended family with other women and children who are also escaping
from abuse.
Refuges are ran by concerned and supportive staff who are fully experienced
with issues of abuse. So you will not be alone, nor will you be surrounded by others who do not know what you are going through.
Within a refuge you will be with those that are able to give you personal support: and help support and meet the
needs of the children too.
Obviously not all refuges are the same, but they do offer a real alternative to being
terrorised within an abusive relationship.
To find out more about refuges and how to access them please contact the
24 hour freephone help-line on 0808 800 0340.
Before doing anything, seek advice
Shelter isn't an housing agency so it cannot house you, but Shelter is
an independent organisation that might be able to find somewhere for you to stay in an emergency.
Shelter is a reliable signposting service to those of us with housing difficulties
and gives good advice. Tel: 0808 800 4444 http://www.shelter.org.uk/
Women's Aid's avowed aim is to bring an end to domestic violence against women and children.
The organisation maintains over 400 refuges, helplines, outreach services and advice centres.
WOMEN'S AID (24 hr helpline) 08457 023 468 Women's Aid in ....... Northern Ireland (24 hr Helpline) 028 9033 1818 Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800
027 1234 Republic of Ireland (24 hr Helpline) 1800 341900 www.womensaid.org.uk
Refuge is a UK Domestic Violence Charity with a 24-Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline: 0870-599-5443
Councils and
Housing Associations
We can also contact
our local councils or housing associations for information on emergency housing. Local authorities will do all they can
to help and a number of housing associations operate their own women’s refuges which form part of a network of
such refuges.
This network
is extremely useful as it means that we can be referred to another refuge out of the local area. Moving from an area
in which we live under the shadow of danger (to another area free from danger) gives us a brand new start and certainly
makes a lot of sense.  |
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Counselling and Support
Many refuges offer
counselling or can signpost families towards counsellors and therapists.
Finding a counsellor
in the UK couldn't be easier: The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy is the obvious source of information
including a search facility to locate counsellors anywhere in the UK.
http://www.bacp.co.uk/
Perhaps the easiest way to find a counsellor is simply by looking in the Yellow Pages, or simply ask your GP for a
referral to see a counsellor. It has been pointed out that NHS referrals frequently involve increasingly lengthy waiting
lists. Naturally we could go private but this will involve some cost.
The Rape and Sexual Abuse Counselling service (RASAC) offers free and confidential support to women and men who have
been raped or sexually abused either as adults or as children.
http://rasac.org.uk/ 
Support for children
who have experienced domestic violence:
Kidscape This is a voluntary
agency whose aim is to promote children’s safety, prevent child abuse and bullying Tel 020 7730 3300 http://www.kidscape.org.uk/
Lifeline - Help for Victims
of Violence in the Home, Sexual Abuse and Incest This is a voluntary agency offering support and advice for families experiencing
domestic violence and abuse in the home.
Tel 01262 469 085
NSPCC A national
charity which aims to prevent child abuse and neglect Tel 0800 800 500 (24-hour child protection helpline) http://www.nspcc.org.uk/html/home/needadvice/domesticviolence.htm
Useful information:
National Association of Citizens Advice Bureaux This is a voluntary agency offering free and confidential advice within the local community. To find your local
Citizens Advice Bureau call: Tel 020 7833 2181 Or for online advice and information go to: www.adviceguide.org.uk
The Samaritans This is a voluntary agency offering 24 hour support for people feeling depressed, isolated, or in despair. Their
national telephone helpline is: Tel 08457 909090 http://www.samaritans.org.uk/
VOICE UK This is a telephone
helpline for people with learning disabilities who have experienced crime or abuse Tel 01332 202 555 http://www.voiceuk.clara.net/
BT advice line For advice
on how to deal with malicious telephone calls try the BT malicious calls helpline on: Tel 0800 666700 Or the nuisance call
advisory bureau on: 0800 661441
For support and advice
about drug abuse in children and adults try: http://www.talktofrank.com/gettinghelp/ 
Escaping Abuse
Teresa Brouwer
Lesson 1: How To
Recognize an Abusive Relationship
Emotional/Verbal Abuse
"Sticks
and stones may break my bones, but names will never harm me." Do you remember hearing this nursery rhyme on the playgrounds
at school? Unfortunately, this isn't true. Names do hurt and they could be demeaning and cause psychological harm.
Verbal
and Emotional Abuse is the invisible abuse that leaves no evidence of bruises or physical injury. It is when the abuser plays
mind games, insults a person's views and beliefs, puts down the way a person looks or dresses, and the abuser is a master
manipulator.
The
abuse is harming to the soul and the victim becomes emotionally crippled and his/her spirit is shattered. Hearing the words
"you are no good," "you are stupid," and "you are a loser" are words that kick us in the gut and tear out our hearts.
This
kind of abuse never hits the headlines or the news. The abuser doesn't serve jail time and he/she simply gets away with it
if the victim doesn't stand up and do something about it.
The
following is designed to help you determine whether or not you are in a verbally abusive relationship:
Does
your partner:
Put
you down?
Put
down your dreams and goals?
Criticizes
you?
Tell
you how to dress?
Threaten
to use a weapon against you?
Make
you feel crazy? Play mind games?
Always
misunderstands what you are saying?
Do
you:
Ever
wonder and ask yourself, "What's wrong with me?"
Ever
tell your partner to "stop?" Do you fight back?
Make
excuses for your partner?
Exercise
#1
When
you and your partner get into an argument, do you find yourself crying all the time? Are you the one who always ends up saying
you're sorry?
Exercise
#2
Think about all the words
your partner says to you, are they nice and loving words? Does he/she always seem to put you down? Rate your self-esteem on
the scale of 1-10. 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest. Why do you feel that you rated yourself so high or low?  |

Recognizing
an abuser can be very difficult. They may come off as being charming, loving, and fun. They may praise you and your beliefs.
At times, they may say that you are the best thing that has ever happened to them. To you, this is great! The words sound
normal and these are the things that people are suppose to say to you when they love you.
You
are in the relationship for awhile now. Slowly things change, but you don't quite see it yet. The abuser may get angry at
times, but you feel that it is natural and that we all get mad once in awhile. We all have the right to vent and express our
feelings.
So,
how can we spot an abuser? How do we know when we are in danger? What would be the difference between honest and loving words
and manipulating drama?
Below
is an ABUSER PROFILE:
Pathologically
jealous
Blames
other for their actions
Says,
"I love you" too much
Break
or throw objects
Give
gifts as a way of apologizing
Very
protective of victim
Isolates
victim from family and friends
Appears
one way in front of others and another way in front of the victim
Becomes
quickly involved in the relationship
Wants
to see the victim all the time
Always
calls just to say hi
Shows
up at the victim's job too often
Have
low self-esteem
Don't
have many friends
May
have been abused themselves
Wants
to take care of the victim.
Promises
the victim the world
Convinces
the victim that he/she would be the best provider and parent of future children they may have.
Tells
the victim all they need is him/her in their lives
Tells
the victim that the two of them could conquer the world.
Tells
the victim that he/she cannot live without them.
*If
you have any doubt in your mind, then you must follow your instinct. I believe the signs are always there before the
relationship gets really bad. We must keep our eyes open and be true to how we want to be treated.
Exercise
#1
When
you and your partner argue, how does your partner act? How does your partner apologize? What does your partner say or do?
Write these answers on a piece of paper.
Exercise
#2
Are
you always apologizing for your actions? Do you feel that your feelings are wrong? Do you feel that you always have to explain
yourself? How do you feel when you are always explaining yourself?
Exercise
#3
Does
your partner buy you expensive gifts? Always buying flowers? Does your partner say, "no one could love you as much as I do?"
or "I'd never do anything to hurt you?" How do you feel when your partner does or say these things?
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Exit plan
and support network
The Exit (Safety)
Plan
The highest risk for serious injury or death to a battered woman is when she is leaving or when she has left her
violent partner.
A lot of women stay in an abusive relationship due to financial dependency, threats from the abuser, and the lack
of a support system. When the victim leaves they are faced with financial issues, poor criminal justice response, fear for
their lives, and their children's safety.
With this in mind, it is of the utmost importance to have a safety plan. A safety plan is the best kind of management
towards a healthy escape and a successful future.
SAFETY PLAN FOR LEAVING/QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:
*Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or TTY 800-787-3224 *If there is an emergency dial 911.
1. The very first thing to do is try to put things in your name: the lease to your rented home, savings account,
and anything else you could think of. This will give you the power to throw the abuser out of your house. The more things
that are in your name, the more power you have.
2. Start planning now. It is never too early to plan your escape. Be prepared and don't waste any time. Get a job,
if you can. Look in the paper to see what the rent is going for in your area. Check into the legal system. Find out about
restraining orders and child custody/support. Know the facts. Knowledge is power.
3. Open a personal savings account in your name. Save some money, if you can. Keep your savings book at a friend's
house or in a bank safe deposit box.
4. Get a bank safe deposit box. Put all your personal papers and documents in the box. (Make copies of the documents
and put the originals back in your files at home.)
5. Get a Post Office Box. (Avoid using a private mailbox provider. By law, these providers must obtain your physical
address: this information could help the abuser find the victim.)
6. Depending on the type of job you have, hide your money. The restaurant business is so easy to hide money as waitresses
receive cash for tips. Don't tell your partner exactly how much you make.
7. Sell some of your things, if you can. Spring clean or Fall clean your house. This is a great way to make fast
cash. Baby-sit for a friend. Again, don't tell your partner exactly how much you made.
8. When you have a safe plan to leave, where would be the safest place to hide keys and your purse?
9. Tell someone you're leaving, like the police department. This is to let someone aware of what is going on at
the time of your escape.
10. When is the best time to leave? While the abuser is at work? Sleeping?
11. Where should the kids be the day you leave? School? Friend's house? How would you pick them up?
12. Don't always tell the abuser where your friends live. Don't reveal so much information about things in your
life.
13. Research battered shelters in your area. Where are they? How can they help you and your children? What do you
need to bring to the shelter? How long can you stay? What do you have to do to get there?
Safety plans differ depending on the person and their situation. Some victims are dealing with physical abuse and
life threats. Some have family and friends nearby while others live miles away from their loved ones. There is help out there,
you must reach out. People do care.
Support Services
A lot of people who are abused feel alone. They believe that people don't understand what it is they are going through
and they end up not having the energy to seek help.
Family and friends may tend to say, "we all have problems," or "go to a marriage counselor," and the classic, "why
don't you just leave?" Unless someone is or was a victim of domestic violence, this epidemic is not easy to understand. If
you never experienced it yourself, you truly don't have a clue.
But there is help out there. We must find the sources and reach out. People do care and organizations are there
to help.
1. Find a local battered shelter in your area. You could call your Chamber of Commerce in your area. The newspapers
always have information about shelters. You could also call The National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. They
can provide help and referrals to local programs.
2. Call your local Department of Social Services. They are easily found in the phone book. They will help with financial
assistance, food stamps, child protective services, adult protective services, and Medicaid. For more information about the
Food Stamp Program go to http://www.fns.usda.gov/fsp/.
3. Call the American Bar Association at (202) 662-1737 or visit their website at http://www.abanet.org/domviol/home.html. Their website offers information in
training materials, legal briefs, and sample legal forms relevant to domestic violence legal issues and proceedings.
4. Surf the web. There are endless websites available for victims of domestic violence. Some of the websites provided
offer great sources for practically every state. Below is a list to start with:
Lesson 3: Making
The Break For Good
Are you ready to make your dreams come true? Do you have goals that you would like to achieve? Is there a hobby
that you would love to turn into a moneymaking business? If so, this lesson will help you identify your dreams and goals.
Make that wish and jump into this lesson.
Introduction
This lesson will help the student to stop the cycle of abuse by identifying their dreams and goals, researching
about college education, and learn about financial independence.
Exercise:
This lesson offers fun questions for the student. It will help the student to focus on their dreams and goals and
be honest with what it is they truly want in their lives.
Discussion:
Please post questions and concerns at http://www.suite101.com/course.cfm/17694... Teresa Brouwer will always be available
for assistance and help.
Special medical concerns
-
Sometimes
you may not even know you are hurt.
-
What
seems like a small injury could be a big one.
-
If
you are pregnant and you were hit in your stomach, tell the doctor. Many abusers hurt unborn children.
-
Domestic violence victims can be in danger of closed head injuries. This is because their abusers
often hit them in the head. If any of these things happen after a hit to the head, get medical care right away.
Memory loss Dizziness Problems with eyesight Throwing-up Headache that will not go away |
Domestic abuse affects
at least one in six men nationally. Children and young people are also affected by domestic abuse and domestic violence is
reportedly a factor in 1 in 4 suicide attempts by women.
However, physical violence
does not have to be present for a situation to be abusive. The fear of violence is often enough to control, intimidate and
isolate many (if not most) of us. Abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, sexual or even spiritual and occurs irrespective
of race, gender, class and age. It usually occurs within a family (or between partners or ex-partners) and involves the power
and exercise of control by one of us over another.
Domestic abuse can also
affect our housing, health, education and our freedom to live freely and without fear.
One common form of abuse
is manipulation. This is often used to twist and to distort our sense of reality; this usually succeeds in us convincing ourselves
that it’s ok to be abused. It’s ok, because it’s our fault. Moreover, we have no way out of our situation.
Whenever any of us experience
abuse we could use the support of someone we can trust and who will listen to us in confidence. Critically, LISTEN to us without
JUDGING us. A fellow human being who can give us practical advice (if we ask for it) as well as provide or signpost us to
sources of help and real support.
WE don't have to suffer in silence. Whenever any of us is being
frightened, hurt or abused by anyone (including family members) we should not stay silent. Our silence is our abusers greatest
weapon against us.
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Time to Escape
Too many abusers
are capable of unbelievable acts of violence right up to (and including) murder. If any of us find ourselves being controlled by such a person (one who is being physically violent to us) and we are living in fear of
him or her, then we owe it to ourselves to get out of that relationship as quickly as possible.
Of course
this is far easier said than done: But the truth of the matter is that people are escaping from abusive relationships all the time.
Having
said that: To be successful in
making a break, running away shouldn’t be done as a knee jerk reaction. Unless of course it is an emergency, in which case run straight to the
police. Otherwise escape will require careful planning to be a success.
Plan your
escape
To
escape from someone who is dominating and ruining every aspect of our lives is no casual decision. It is a very courageous life-changing (possibly even life-saving) decision,
and one which will need to be very carefully thought out. Whatever happens do not let the abuser suspect for one moment that you are planning
to escape. This point cannot be stressed too much, nor too often.
Do your research well, escaping from any type of abuse is an extremely serious one-off event. We should assume that we
will probably never get a second chance to escape
so we need to get it right first time.
It goes
without saying that before leaving it is vital to know exactly where we are going to go. Family and friends are often our first thoughts, but these will
probably also be the first thoughts of our abuser when he or she comes looking for us.
With
this in mind, we should take the time to look at other alternatives.
This
is where research is
invaluable. It is a surprise to learn exactly what help and what agencies are out there for us. What help they can provide, and who we need to speak
with.
A word of warning
Your research is vital. Be thorough, but be careful. Remember,
that itemised telephone billing could reveal who you are calling, so please use a public telephone.
Computers can reveal which sites have been visited and researched
etc. Do not leave a written plan, notes or phone numbers lying where they can be found by suspicious eyes.Do not take
unneccessary chances when your safety is at risk.
Involve others
In terms of friends,
neighbours and acquaintences be wary of what you say. There are many agencies out there who will be happy to help you every
step of the way. Let them help and guide you. Share the risk and double your safety. Devise a plan involving one or more of
these agencies. The most obvious one being the police of course.
Having established
contact with supportive agencies, set up a careful plan together to escape from the abuser. Whoever, your plan involves,
ask them to help you to plan for your safe escape. Leave no notes and let them know when you are ready to leave.
Arrange a timetable with them. If it is possible try to involve them at every stage of your escape.
Leave nothing
to return for
Remember that you are not just planning to escape.
You are on the threshold of starting a new life. A NEW LIFE. Think of all of the things that you will need for your new life…
Those who have already escaped recommend us to include the
following: Cash. Bank cards, credit cards, cheque books. School records for your children. All important documents—birth certificates
for you and your children, passport, immigration papers (where applicable) driver's licence, health insurance card, immunisation records, mortgage, phone numbers and anything else
you can think of.
If you can't take the originals, make copies. house deeds. Address book. (photographs, keepsakes) Medications,
copies of your prescriptions, multiple pairs of glasses. Several changes of clothing. Extra items for child or infant care.
Personal and children’s own special items/toys etc. Try to leave nothing that you would have to go back for.
Sources
of help
A major
priority is accommodation.
If you need to leave
an abusive relationship but have nowhere safe to go, then a period of refuge – in a refuge - could be the answer. Importantly, a refuge is a safe house for women and children. A major part of
being a safe house is that its location is kept a secret. This secrecy is important as it makes it extremely difficult to
be traced by those who are not prepared to let us go. Or who intend us harm us for 'abandoning' them.
The safe house is more than just a hollow building in which to hide. Refuges tend to be
small supportive types of communities. A bit like an extended family with other women and children who are also escaping from
abuse.
Refuges are ran by concerned and supportive staff who are fully experienced with
issues of abuse. So you will not be alone, nor will you be surrounded by others who do not know what you are going through.
Within a refuge you will be with those that are able to give you personal support: and help support and meet the
needs of the children too.
Obviously not all refuges are the same, but they do offer a real alternative to being
terrorised within an abusive relationship.
To find out more about refuges and how to access them please contact
the 24 hour freephone help-line on 0808 800 0340.
Before doing anything, seek advice
Shelter isn't an housing agency so it cannot house
you, but Shelter is an independent organisation that might be able to find somewhere for you to stay in an emergency.
Shelter is a reliable signposting service to those of us with housing difficulties and
gives good advice. Tel:
0808 800 4444 http://www.shelter.org.uk/
Women's Aid's avowed aim is to bring an end to domestic violence
against women and children.
The organisation maintains over 400 refuges, helplines,
outreach services and advice centres.
WOMEN'S AID (24 hr helpline) 08457 023 468 Women's
Aid in ....... Northern Ireland (24 hr Helpline) 028 9033
1818 Scottish Domestic Abuse Helpline 0800 027 1234 Republic of Ireland (24 hr Helpline) 1800 341900 www.womensaid.org.uk
Refuge is a UK Domestic Violence Charity with a 24-Hour National
Domestic Violence Helpline: 0870-599-5443
Councils and Housing Associations
We can also contact our local councils or housing associations for information
on emergency housing. Local authorities will do all they can to help and a number of housing associations operate their own
women’s refuges which form part of a network of such refuges.
This network is extremely useful as it means that we can be referred to another refuge
out of the local area. Moving from an area in which we live under the shadow of danger (to another area free from danger)
gives us a brand new start and certainly makes a lot of sense.
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