Know Your Abuser

We know we are in an abusive relationship when..
Men can also be victims
Types of abuse
The Abuser
Support network
Abuse doesn't have to be Violent
The Bottom Line
Tell someone about it.
EXIT: Time to escape

Safety Warning - read this first

Domestic violence doesn't just affect women, it can affect men too. The violence usually gets worse over time. There are other non-physical forms of abuse as well, such as verbal abuse or attempts to control or bully you, which can also have damaging effects.

There are many people who remain in violent relationships because they don't acknowledge what's happening to them. It's not easy coming to terms with the fact your partner's violent towards you, and it's not unusual for the abused partner to minimise, or even justify what's happening to them.

It isn't your fault that you're being abused. Nobody deserves to be assaulted, least of all by a partner who's supposed to be part of a caring relationship. People often blame themselves because that's what they're told by the abuser. But that's just their way of justifying what they're doing to you. You should always remember that being assaulted is wrong.

It's very easy to say you must find help, but that's exactly what you should do. It might not be easy talking to someone about what's happening to you, but you must. Either confide in a friend or call one of the support groups listed below to talk to someone who can offer you emotional support and practical help.

There are refuges all over the UK where you can go to escape the abuse, and you should consider moving away from the abuser, perhaps moving in with a friend or a family member.

A refuge is a safe house where people who are experiencing domestic abuse can live free from violence. If you have children, you can take them with you. Refuge addresses are confidential. You can choose to travel as far away from, or stay as near to your hometown as you wish. Some refuges have space for many women and children, and other refuges are small houses. Some refuges are specifically for women from particular ethnic or cultural groups, and many cater for women with a range of disabilities.

You don't have to involve the police if you don't want to, although you can call them at any time. Whether or not the police use the criminal law against a violent person, you can use the civil law to get protection to allow you to live in safety.

Remember, always dial 999 for immediate police help

Abusers come in all shapes and sizes, but by the virtue of them being abusers, they share many common characteristics.


To the abuser, nothing of any real importance exists outside himself or herself. 'Meaningful' others are no more than extensions to be manipulated, like chess pieces. Others (who see themselves as partners) can become 'absorbed'. Can become internal, assimilated controllable 'objects' – no longer external independent 'subjects' with thoughts and feelings of their own.

So, what is an Abuser?

It is widely accepted that there are those amongst us who have a deep, dark and sinister (psychological / emotional) need to possess or own us.


In an attempt to assert their control over us, these would be owners will abuse, dominate, deceive, menace, lie, cheat, insult, demean, ignore, bully, intimidate and terrify any of us who have fallen into their 'spiders web' of manipulative deceit. These carefully constructed traps have only one purpose, and that is to physically, psychologically and emotionally entrap or ensnare us. 


In this respect, abusers are dangerous predators, and we - their prey.


The single-minded objective of the abuser is to own and control us for their own personal gratification.


This is said to demonstrate that those who would enslave us are unable to recognise that anyone other than he or she has any feelings whatsoever.


To a would be owner, only his or her feelings are important. Only he or she counts - only he or she is important. Nothing or no-one else counts or is important. 


Because of this total emotional one-sidedness, abusers make totally unreasonable demands on the rest of us.
Naturally they do not see their demands as being unreasonable or unworkable. This being so, they cannot understand that they expect far too much from us.
Expecting far too much; abusers can become quite intimidating and scary when we fail to conform to their impossibly high demands and standards.

Having imposed his or her strict regime's terms or conditions upon us to live by (our unconditional terms of surrender)... The abuser/owner needs to be able to enforce his or her laws, or risk losing the one that he, or she, seeks to own and control.
This 'enforcement' is often accomplished by means of an unpleasantness titled: OVERT ABUSE.

Overt meaning open: Overt abuse is the open, undisguised and explicit abuse of any one of us by another. This covers a wide range of brutality which extends from being humiliated in public. to being hospitalised - or worse.


We experience this type of abuse when we are struck,  bitten, menaced, threatened, coerced, beaten, deceived, berated, demeaned, chastened, insulted, humiliated, exploited, ignored (the cold shoulder or silent treatment), devalued, snubbed, unceremoniously discarded, dumped, verbally assaulted, physically assaulted and sexually assaulted (etc) by our owner/abuser.

The end-of-the-world scenario happens for abusers

when he or she feels that he or she is losing control over us. The effect of this has been likened to someone losing control of a limb, or more terrifying still, losing control of one’s mind.


The situation is, that as long as the abuser is in control of us, he or she is able to cope, to function and to survive. But, when the abuser's control is slipping away, he or she is no longer able to cope, to function or survive.


This situation is likely to happen when we fail to obey his or her instructions, this may panic the abuser. Alarm bells ring, informing him or her that something is seriously wrong. The abuser's world is in danger of collapse. He or she is no longer in control of his or her world, and anything might happen.


If he or she is not the centre of his or her world, then he or she is lost. The abuser probably feels that he or she is going mad ....


But the bottom line is quite simple and quiet harsh for the ex abuser-  how can one be an abuser without a person to abuse?


WARNING: Some abusers will kill rather than become ex abusers.

You are a human being - you are not a possession